I have to start getting over him. He’s made it very clear that he’s not in love with me anymore and even though I’ve looked so hard for something more, I’ve not seen anything except indifference in his eyes.

He keeps saying that he hopes to find his way back to me and even that he expects to, but the feeling I’m getting from him is that he’ll never want anything other than casual friendship from me. Which really isn’t all that special since he’s such a nice guy and likes almost everyone.

I’ve been repeating the mantra all day to myself “He doesn’t love you, get over him”. So far it’s not working but I figure I need to give it more than a day. I don’t want to lose him (though I guess technically I already have) but I can’t keep hanging in this state of limbo I’m in, where I love him more than anything else in this world and he sees me as a buddy.

Any advice for getting over the person who has been my true love for the past 12 years?

I don’t know how many of you already know about this site but it was one I had to share. It’s called Girls Can’t What? and it’s stories from women who have been told that they can’t do something because they’re ‘just a girl’. I submitted my story a few days ago and it was published here Angie’s Band Teacher Said Girls Can’t Carry Drums

I love the graphic they put with the story. I didn’t send them a photo or anything but that is so me!

Stuck in limbo, how did I get here?
Awaiting fates hand, will it be cruel as always?
Hoping to find heaven, am I doomed to hell?

My greatest fear realized, have I lost everything?
Left in pieces, can a person survive this way?
My soul so wounded, will I eventually bleed out?

Do you really believe my pills are just a mask?
Does that mean that all I am anymore is the illness?
Have I lost myself never to be redeemed?

Will I ever be anything
….to you?

_____________________________________________________________

It’s really strange, I’ve never been able to use writing as an emotional outlet but right now visual art isn’t doing anything for me.

I’m having a really hard time accepting the fact that after 12 years the relationship is just over for now. He has absolutely nothing to offer anyone and just needs to be alone. If I’m willing to wait, he hopes to find his way back to me but he understands if I can’t wait.

It makes me feel kind of pathetic but how can I not wait? He’s the love of my life. For 12 years I’ve never wanted anyone other than him, I’ve always known without a doubt that he was my soul mate.

You tell me you don’t love me over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crashing into dust
I just let it fade away

I’m walking empty streets hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you’re home
But I just have to pass on by

So no of course we can’t be friends
Not while I’m still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no of course we can’t be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes
My belly somersaults when I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they’re worried
I’m looking far too skinny
I’ve stopped returning all their calls

And no of course we can’t be friends
Not while I’m still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don’t say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee
To prove that you don’t love me

So my grandma has started freaking out a bit now that I’m on my own. She’s really worried about me and scared for my safety. She knows I’m a big hiker so the first thing she wanted to make sure of is that I would never go hiking alone. Apparently women go out hiking alone all the time and just disappear. I don’t know where she’s getting these stories, I know for a fact that in the Missouri/Arkansas flat lands where she lives there isn’t much hiking to be done so it’s probably not those hikers going missing. And we hardly ever have a hiker come up missing here, usually if anything happens it’s something like a fall or an animal attack and the person is found quickly even if not all in one piece anymore.

I tried to tell her that while hiking, I have probably a 1% chance of having to deal with a person. I would more likely have to deal with some sort of wild animal and I have my training on how to do that. So now she’s worried that I’m going to get kidnapped while hiking. I probably should have lied to her and promised her I would never hike alone but I’m so not a good liar and hate doing it.

Then she wanted to make sure that I keep my front door locked at all times. I told her that I lock it at night even though it’s really not necessary here. But I can’t help but wonder why she thought I was safer with Robert living here than I am now. Robert’s a complete pacifist and knows pretty much nothing about fighting. But in her eyes, just having a man in the house makes you safer.

I know she means well but I hate that she worries so much about me just because I’m female, which in her eyes makes me a target and in danger pretty much all the time.

Here’s a bit of a preview of the Shattered Issue of Dissension documenting my separation from the love of my life.

The first is a poem I wrote tonight. I’ve never written poetry before, not one line. But tonight I can’t find a visual art outlet that’s working for me. We decided today that we needed to permanently separate, so he’s gone indefinitely this time. I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been remaining positive all this time but in reality I think I was just staying in denial.

So, here’s the first poem I’ve ever written. I guess I’ve never felt pain intense enough to inspire before.

Shattered
…….Broken
………..Shards on the floor

I can gather those pieces
Try to create something new out of the debris
Though I have a feeling a few were shattered to dust
never to be recovered, repaired or rebuilt again

And this second bit was written during a panic attack, which I think helped get me though it. I never realized how therapeutic writing is until now.

The love of my life isn’t in love with me anymore. After 12 years of us being everything to each other. Of us spending every free moment together, of being best friends who had only begrudgingly spent a total of 5 nights apart. Then all of a sudden (it wasn’t really all of a sudden but something like this always feels sudden no matter what), one of the people in the relationship realizes they aren’t in love with the other anymore. How does the one that’s left, the one who still feels everything as strongly as before, reconcile and get over that. I’m not mad at him, I understand his reasoning and if I were on the outside looking in, I would see what a healthy breakup this is and admire the people in it for remaining such great friends. I’m just completely heartbroken and don’t know how to cope without the person who has been my partner in everything in life. I’ve just lost my companion, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my everything.

Lyrics

i want to talk about media distortion ad campaign telling lies about abortion standing there call yourself a good christian break your fucking sign because you’re causing me friction ignorant group operations rescue if you treat women then they might even kill you randall terry says they’re soldiers of god if you ask me i’d say they’re smoking much prod a little advice for the medical students (they’re) teaching cowardice not medical prudence lobbying pressure from the a.m.a. cracker don’t treat women and you call yourself a doctor standing in line fucking slime with no sense two can play at that start clinic defense yelling over me showing patients no respect break for the lane get (an) elbow in your neck

if you don’t want a nazi in your house don’t let one don’t know a fundamentalist ’til you’ve met one if you’ve memorized your civil rights don’t forget one if you don’t want an abortion don’t get one

marching with your cross and your dead fetus picture don’t let me see you or i’ll jam it up your sphincter you’re lucky that i find violence so heinous but my wife and her friends’ll put a foot in your anus confused sad woman kill apologizing sad fucking bible you still memorizing had to make a choice between god and her sisters you imitate your oppressor so you dissed her even though you told me you had the procedure just ’cause you’re rich and you’re white that freed you from the consequence of a child out of wedlock from the family shame at the congregation potluck crazy pregnant woman citing her religion the baby’s going to die without cesarian section i won’t support scientific intervention give her the freedom to deal with her actions

if you don’t want a nazi in your house don’t let one don’t know a fundamentalist ’til you’ve met one if you’ve memorized your civil rights don’t forget one if you don’t want an abortion don’t get one

ru486 yes i am sir anything to empower women that’s for damn sure know what it means when they’re bombing all the clinics who’s going to say get off the fence to the cynics harassing g.y.n. with a death threat say that you’re doing god’s work well yeah bet respect women and give her some room believe in her rights stay out of her womb if you want to see women stop termination give her a future and a real education do you think women want to kill their own babies if got your own twisted baggage then maybe

if you don’t want a nazi in your house don’t let one don’t know a fundamentalist ’til you’ve met one if you’ve memorized your civil rights don’t forget one if you don’t want an abortion don’t get one

Such as the blog coming back to life as well as the return of the Dissension zine! I started slipping when the design blog that I co-own really took off and started requiring pretty much all of my time.

Lately I’ve started feeling a huge imbalance in my life. All of my efforts were directed toward work and I was letting all of the things I really care about fall by the wayside.  But a lot has happened in my life recently that made me take a good hard look at what is really important to me. And this blog and the zine are really high on that list and one that I’ve been unfairly neglecting.

So, over the next couple of weeks I’m going to sit down and design a custom theme for the site. As a designer I hate using a template and I feel that it’s important for a site like this one to have a unique personality.

I’m also going to be reinstating comments. I thought it would save time but really, what’s a blog without comments? Just a sounding board really and I don’t want that, I want interaction.

And finally, regular content. I’m working on a new issue of Dissension right now (and the new site will have a page where you can order the new issue and maybe copies of past issues). Or I may put past issues that can’t be ordered anymore online for people to read.

So, I hope you’re all as excited as I am!

Recently, a listener of my show, The Angry Hippies’ Podcast, sent me a website, that, out of good taste, I will not be posting a link to here. They thought I might want to rant about it on the program, but as it turns out, I was too angry to wait, so here goes!

The site was a blog dedicated to the idea of Men’s Rights. If you are not familiar with the concept, consider yourself lucky, here is the gist, Feminism is to blame for the undermining of the rights of men to be men. In other words, Feminism’s fight for EQUALITY, is making life harder on these sexist, misogynistic mental miscreants who cannot accept the fact, that womyn are their equals and must be treated with the same consideration and respect as anyone else.

Damn that Feminism! Next thing you know, rape will no longer be an acceptable means of establishing social dominance. What? They have already started on that, too? Is nothing sacred to this Feminism?

Okay, guys! Time is up! The days of thinking with your dicks are over! I know, I know, you didn’t really do much thinking anyway, but lets move those processes a little more north. Afterall, your dicks really are too small to handle all that pressure. Give them a break, why don’t you?

Let us briefly take a look at what Feminism does hold sacred. The idea of Equality for all. I don’t know, it sounds sketchy to me. Right. The idea that people should be valued and respected beyond the socially accepted gender identified norms is just so far out there. The idea that womyn should be granted equal pay for equal work, and not be subjected to secondary roles based again on gender. What are we thinking? These Men’s Rights advocates are merely trying to point out how upsetting to the standard patriarchal systems this ‘radical’ behavior is.

Their grief and righteous indignation are as justified as any racist fuckwit complaining and ranting about how the end of slavery and how the civil rights movement upset the standard systems of racial mistreatment and inequality in this once great land! Basically, dudes, when white men have been the ones in power for generations and their acts have been to oppress and suppress other segments of the population, then every right guaranteed and written, was written by and for them alone. Those assholes do not get to claim discrimination! In short, as Kittie says, you can eat dick! And maybe, just maybe, whilst eating said dick, the rest of us will not be subjected to your asinine, ignorant, sexist ramblings!

This has been a guest post by Robert Bowen, AKA The Angry Hippie.

Okay, I’m on the bandwagon, trust me. I’m not a fan of Sarah Palin either. I know that her views on abortion are archaic, as are her views on marriage, and well pretty much everything else. She’s a horrible governor that charged women for rape kits in hospitals, which further proves she’s got no issues with the system continuing to victimize the women who have suffered this despicable abuse. I get it. I’m totally there. She sucks.

But, what the fuck, feminists? How can you stand by, and what’s worse, condone the sexist slandering that she’s suffering in the media, the blogosphere, and the entertainment industries. Songs that rap about raping Sarah Palin have been praised by feminists as giving her what she deserves! I say again, WHAT THE FUCK?!? How is raping anyone hailed by feminists? A demeaning attack that women have long been subjected to, through a morally bankrupt and unbalanced societal forced and nurtured sadistic power structure. And now, it’s okay as long as it happens to Sarah Palin, jokingly or in the context of entertainment? Come on.

The t-shirts that call Palin a cunt also being shown favor from feminists is bothersome to me as well. It’s the misogyny mantra being spouted about a women in power and the reduction of her role to a sexual one as well, and they’ve got feminists falling in step with their chauvinist shit! I know what it’s like to think that Sarah Palin is the worst political gamble this country has ever borne witness to, but that doesn’t excuse this behavior. It’s still not right, even though she’s that wrong!

This has been a guest post by Robert Bowen, AKA The Angry Hippie.